Flirting: what works, and where the line is

Flirting is signaling interest in a way that's easy to turn down. That's the whole definition, and it's why a good flirt never puts anyone on the spot: it lets the other person step back without anyone losing face. Anything that makes it hard to say no isn't flirting — it's pressure.

Here's what actually signals interest, how to tell if it's returned, and where the line is at work.

What works

Attention over compliments. Remembering what someone said last week means more than praising their looks. One shows you listened; the other shows you looked.

Friendly teasing. Light teasing works because it creates something that's just yours — and because it signals you're not nervous. It stops working the second it comes at someone's expense.

Eye contact that lasts half a second too long. The classic is a classic because it's hard to misread and easy to take back.

Finding a small excuse. "I'm heading that way, want to walk with me?" Flirting is less about words than about creating chances to be in the same place a little longer.

Body language: what you can actually read

There's a whole industry of claims about body language, and most of it is overblown. What holds up is simple: watch whether people move toward you or away from you.

• Their feet point toward you in a group

• They turn their whole body, not just their head

• They stay put when the conversation had a natural end

• They mirror your posture without thinking about it

• They laugh a little too much at something that was a little less than funny

And the most important opposite sign: short answers, no questions back, eyes wandering around the room. That's not shyness. It's a no, said politely.

Flirting over text

Without a face and a tone of voice, half the toolbox disappears. Three things carry it:

Callbacks. Bringing up something from an earlier conversation is the written version of attention.

Timing over frequency. One message that lands at a good moment beats ten that don't.

Suggesting something. Any flirt that never turns into a plan dies. It's the most common way a good text flirt ends.

And one warning worth taking seriously: photos can't be taken back. Never send anything you couldn't live with being shared — and never ask for the same from someone you haven't met.

Flirting at work

It happens, it's common, and it's also where things most often go wrong. Three principles do most of the work:

Never down the ladder. If you have a say in someone's pay, schedule or career, they can't freely say no. Then it isn't flirting, however kindly it's meant.

One signal, then stop. Show interest once, clearly enough to be understood, and let the other person decide. Repetition is where a flirt turns into something else.

Not in front of others. Coworkers who have to deal with your flirting didn't ask for it.

When it isn't returned

Stop right away and don't make it awkward. That's the whole art: being able to take a no without the other person having to comfort you about it.

A polite no isn't an invitation to try again a different way. And a flirt that needs persuading has already had its answer.

Frequently asked questions about flirting

How do you know if someone is flirting back?

They ask questions back, they keep the conversation going, and their body moves toward you. One sign means little; three at once usually means something.

How do you flirt if you're shy?

Use attention instead of performance. Remembering something and asking about it takes no boldness and works better than any line.

Is flirting the same as cheating?

It depends on the agreement in the relationship, and that agreement differs from couple to couple. The useful test is whether you'd be comfortable with your partner seeing it.

What's the difference between flirting and harassing someone?

Whether it's easy to say no. A flirt leaves a way out; harassment doesn't. Repeating it after a no is the clearest line.

Does flirting over text work?

Yes, but only if it leads to a plan. Flirting by text without a plan to meet runs dry within a couple of weeks.

Read next: the first message on flirting in writing, the first date on what happens after, how to find a partner, and age gaps in relationships, if there are a few years between you.