First message: conversation starters that get replies

The best opener is a question about something specific in their profile. Not "hey," not a compliment, not a joke you've used before. A question that only makes sense to ask them in particular — because it proves you read the profile, and because it's easier to answer than to ignore.

Here's why "hey" doesn't work, what does, and what to write when the conversation stalls.

Why "hey" doesn't work

Not because it's rude. Because it puts all the work on the other person. Now they have to come up with something to say to a stranger, out of nothing. Most people can't be bothered, and it's not personal.

The other common opener — a compliment on their looks — fails for a different reason: it's hard to reply to without either brushing it off or sounding full of yourself. "Thanks" is a dead end, and the conversation is over by the second move.

A good opener has two qualities: it's specific, and it's easy to answer. Everything else is decoration.

Conversation starters that actually get replies

The template: something from their profile + a question that can't be answered with yes or no.

• "You have a photo from Yosemite — was the weather worth it?"

• "What was the hardest part of learning to sail?"

• "You say you bake sourdough with mixed results. What goes wrong?"

• "Which of the books on the shelf behind you have you actually read?"

• "Where was photo three taken? It looks like a place I've been looking for."

Notice that none of them are about looks, and none of them are funny. They're just impossible to answer briefly.

When the profile is empty

It happens. Then use the only thing you've got: the photos. "What's in the second photo — is that Norway?" is still better than "hey." And if there's literally nothing to go on, maybe that's information too.

Openers that rarely work

• Pickup lines. They signal that you send the same message to everyone, because you do.

• "How's it going?" Polite and empty. The answer is "good," and you're back where you started.

• Anything about their body. Even the nice stuff. It takes the conversation somewhere most people didn't ask to go.

• The long introduction. Five lines about yourself before you've asked anything. Save it.

• The complaint. "Nobody replies on here" is true and a bad start.

Once you get a reply

This is where most people lose the thread. Three things keep a conversation alive:

Respond to something specific. Pick a detail from their answer and ask more about it. That's the whole technique, and it's more than enough.

Give a little yourself. A question followed by a question followed by a question is an interview. Share something before you ask again.

Match their length. If they reply with two lines, write two lines. Write nine back and it feels like pressure.

When to suggest meeting

Sooner than you think. After five to ten messages you know enough to tell whether there's something there — and a conversation that drags on for weeks builds up a picture reality can rarely live up to.

The phrasing that works best is specific and easy to say no to: "Want to grab a coffee instead of texting? I'm free Thursday or Saturday." Two options are easier to answer than an open-ended "we should meet sometime."

When the conversation stalls

It usually dies because you're both polite and change the subject too soon. Try this instead:

• A question about something they mentioned three messages back. It shows you were listening.

• Switch from questions to an observation: "I've been thinking about what you said about …"

• Suggest meeting. A dead conversation in writing often comes alive across a table.

And if it still dies: let it. Not every conversation needs saving, and it isn't a failure.

When they don't reply

Send one follow-up if you want to — short, no blame, ideally with something new in it. Not two. And never "??" or "guess you're not answering."

Most non-replies have nothing to do with you. People get busy, lose interest, meet someone else, or close the app for a month. It's uncomfortable and almost always meaningless. If contact stops completely after you've been talking for a while, read what to do when you get ghosted.

Frequently asked questions

What's the best opener?

A question about a specific detail in their profile that can't be answered with yes or no. It beats every pickup line, because it proves you read what's there.

How fast should you reply?

Whenever you have time. Tactical waiting wastes everyone's life, and people see through it. That said, always replying within three seconds around the clock can come across as a lot.

Who should message first?

Whoever wants to. Some apps have their own rules, but beyond those there's no rule. Waiting to be messaged cuts your chances in half.

How many messages before you meet?

Five to ten. Enough to feel whether there's chemistry in writing, not so many that you've built up a fantasy.

What do you write after matching on Tinder?

The same as anywhere else: ask about something specific from their profile. The match itself isn't a conversation — it's an open door.

Should you send a follow-up if they don't reply?

One, if you want to, and only if it adds something new. After that, the answer is no, whatever it says.

Read next: Flirting on doing the same face to face, how to write a profile that makes it easy to message you, 35 date ideas for when you meet, and Safety first on what to share along the way. Tinder alternatives reviews the platforms.